If you've ever felt pressured to engage in sexual activity even though you didn't truly want to, you might have experienced sexual coercion. This occurs when someone uses persuasion or influence to push another person into consenting to sex. Coercion can be intentional, like employing manipulative tactics, or unintentional, such as mistakenly assuming that the other person is comfortable when they're not.

Although intentions can be different, the impact of sexual coercion is always the same: consent isn’t given freely.

To protect yourself, be aware of these signs of sexual coercion. Always remember that you have the right to decide the extent of physical intimacy, no matter who you're with, whether it's a partner, crush, casual hookup, or someone you've just met.

Persistent Pressure

Sexual coercion can involve someone persistently pressuring you for sex, despite your clear refusal. If you've turned them down; whether gently or firmly, they should respect your wish and stop. Continuing to ask after being told "no" crosses the line.

Examples:

• Persisting with comments like, "Come on, it'll be fun... Oh, come on!"
• Touching you after you've moved their hand away, and then repeating the action.
• Repeatedly asking if you'll have sex without a condom.
• Threatening to end the relationship if you don’t comply.
   

In such situations, people may end up agreeing just to make the pressure stop. However, this is NOT the same as giving consent freely.

Sudden Moves

Even if you’re dating someone, it doesn’t mean sudden moves are acceptable. If a partner starts touching you or removing your clothes without checking in first, it can still be a form of coercion. Regardless of the relationship, it's essential to communicate and ensure that both people are comfortable and consenting. Actions like these can pressure someone into a situation they aren’t ready for, and that’s never okay.

Examples:

• Showing porn to you unexpectedly.
• Taking their clothes off and implying you should follow suit.
• Saying, "I'm about to come; quick, do this [sexual act]."
• Putting on a condom without first confirming if you’re comfortable having sex, creating an expectation that it will happen.

 Manipulation

Have you ever felt pressured or deceived into engaging in sex or sexual activity that made you uncomfortable? Or found it easier to agree to sex just to avoid upsetting someone?

If so, remember that it’s not your fault. Manipulative individuals often create power imbalances and take advantage of others' tendency to please or avoid conflict.

Guilt-Tripping You

If someone reacts negatively when you set a sexual boundary, they may be trying to guilt you into sex. This behavior is a form of manipulation.

Examples:

"If you really loved me, you’d do it."

"Everyone else is doing it."

"It’s just a little thing; why can’t you do this for me?"

These statements are often used to manipulate and pressure you into consent, but it's important to stand firm in your boundaries.

You have the right to say no at any time, regardless of previous decisions or interactions.

Shaming or Punishing You

Manipulators may use tactics that shame or punish you to gain control over your choices:

• Insulting your sexual performance in one area to pressure you into repeating it or performing a different sexual act.

• Withholding affection to coerce you into dropping a boundary.

• Stating that they won’t fulfil a promise unless you agree to have sex.

These behaviors are not acceptable and undermine your right to set boundaries

Pressing Your Sense of Obligation

It’s coercion if someone tries to convince you that you should have sex or that you owe them.

It is considered coercion when someone tries to persuade you that you should engage in sexual activity or that you owe it to them. Here are some examples:

• You are my girlfriend, so why can’t we have sex."

• "You’re just teasing me. I’ll be frustrated if I don’t get any release."

• "We’ve done it before; so what is the problem now?"

• "I love you so much, so why are you treating me this way?"

Such comments aim to manipulate your feelings of duty and pressure you into agreeing, which is never acceptable.

Love-Bombing

This form of sexual coercion includes extreme compliments.

• “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and want to make love to you now.”

• "I love you so much; having sex with you will make our bond even stronger."

• "You’re the only one I want to be with; let’s take our relationship to the next level."

Pushing Substances

Alcohol or drugs can lower your defences, and it's important to be cautious if you hear phrases like:

"Go on, have another drink; it’ll be fun!"

"I really like someone who can keep up with me at parties."

These comments can indicate an attempt to pressure you into consuming substances, which may lead to situations where your boundaries can be more easily ignored.

Changing the Environment

This coercive tactic involves unexpectedly moving you from a known, safe place with exit access to a more isolated place.

Examples:

• While the other person is driving and you’re in the passenger seat: “Change of plans! Instead of a restaurant, it’s dinner at my place.”

• While at a party: “It’s too loud. Let’s go somewhere quieter.” Then, grabbing your hand and leading you out to the car.

• While in your date’s living room: “My couch isn’t comfortable. We should finish the movie in bed.”

Perpetrators who get you into a private place may use more coercive tactics to pressure you into sexual activities. It's important to be aware of this and to remember that you have the right to say no at any time.

Up-Negotiation

Consenting to a sexual act means agreeing to that specific action only. However, sexual coercion often isn’t just a one-time occurrence; it can escalate over time. This is known as “up-negotiation,” where someone pressures you to agree to increasingly intimate actions. For example:

• Pressuring you to move from the couch to the bed, and then trying to convince you to go from clothed to unclothed.

• Quicly removing your clothes and suggesting that since you're undressed, you might as well have sex.

Threats

When you’re too scared to say “no,” it’s often because there’s an implied or outright threat. You might be worried about what could happen if you turn the person down, or they might say things like:

• "If you won’t do it, I’ll find someone else who will."

• "It’s okay if you don’t want to, but I might have to break up."

• "If you refuse, I’ll share your private details or photos."

These kinds of statements are meant to intimidate you into agreeing and make it harder to maintain your boundaries.

If You’ve Been Coerced: Don’t Blame Yourself

At FPA Sri Lanka, we advocate for the "enthusiastic yes" approach: consent should be given willingly and can be withdrawn at any moment. If you're feeling enthusiastic about sex, that's wonderful- enjoy the experience! Always listen to your instincts, and if something doesn’t feel right, don’t hesitate to speak up or take a step back.

If you’ve said “yes” when you actually didn’t want to, know that it’s not your fault.

Talk to a trusted friend or counsellor to process your feelings.

You can also talk to our counsellor at 077 989 5252